chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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