matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
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