Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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