I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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