i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize