yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
