these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
