How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
