I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
