I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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