A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
