I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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