we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
