so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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