In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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