I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
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