On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
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