I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
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