He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
