Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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