i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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