he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Randomize
