oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
