i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
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