bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
4 words: hood of his car
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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