At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
I checked into jail on foursquare
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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