you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
