I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
