My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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