I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
The beer is more important than you right now.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
