good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
