yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize