last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Randomize
