i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
