i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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