I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Randomize
