The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
