Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
