Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Randomize
