I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Randomize
