I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Randomize
