Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Randomize