i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Randomize
