I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
