Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Enjoy the penises
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize