She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I need moral support for this bender
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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