Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Randomize
