my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
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