oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Randomize
