I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
