doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Randomize
