i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
