his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
