I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
These tits shall not be calmed
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
