I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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