I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
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