I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
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