just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
