Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
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