Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
