Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
