My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
