I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
